


Sam and Sparda: Adventures!

by kiapurity



Series: TMoBDaSM AU [4]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Gen, Into the Spardaverse, Sam the Researcher, there is no fourth wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:00:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22502929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiapurity/pseuds/kiapurity
Summary: Written for "Into the Spardaverse" week. What troubles will Sam and Sparda end up in as they traverse various universes?
Relationships: Eva/Sparda (Devil May Cry)
Series: TMoBDaSM AU [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1438177
Comments: 29
Kudos: 37





	1. "First meeting"

Sam the researcher was currently questioning their life choices that brought them to this precise moment in time. They were staring at one Bug Dad who was cobbling together some parts that shouldn’t go together to build some kind of hollywood-worthy contraption. The only thing Sam had to say on the matter was that they did not think this would work.

“That’s why we’re going to do test runs!”

“WE?” Sam shouted in an incredulous tone. “I don’t remember ever getting involved in this madness, Sparda!”

“But… you know science so it seemed reasonable that you could correct me on what I’m doing wrong.” Sparda responded as matter-of-fact to Sam’s loud facepalm. “Well?”

“Everything.”

Sparda looked at Sam oddly and back at the contraption. “Maybe if I should remove the toaster…? Eva might want the blender back too.”

“I don’t think she would appreciate you raiding the kitchen.”

“There are so many fascinating instruments to make delicious meals with!” As an afterthought, Sparda added. “And food.”

“What the hell do you eat?” Sam asked Sparda.

“I thought you were the researcher?”

The researcher was left speechless for a moment before they let out an angry noise. “Okay, so you’re capable of digesting human cooked meals. Sometimes rare meat. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ingest human blood.”

“It’s not necessary.” He responded, wiggling a fork in the toaster to Sam’s disbelief at the fork wiggling, not the sentence. “Hmm. Something is stuck here. Ah! A toast!”

The toast popped out of the contraption, causing a hole to rip through time/space continuum. Sam stared, speechless as they tried to calculate how much energy the hole was generating. Sparda wiggled the fork in the other direction, closing the hole and beamed at the confused researcher.

“Looks like it’s working perfectly fine to me.”

“Have you any idea what you’ve **done**?!” Sam threw their hands up to only get a blank look from Sparda in response.

“Yes, I’m doing science.”

“No, no, this isn’t science, this is madness!”

The Bug Dad cleared his throat, looking at the contraption and back at the stressed out researcher. He appeared to be giving Sam’s words some serious thought before pointing out that he had always been curious about the possibilities of different worlds especially since he read about it in a literature.

“...while yes, that’s a common Sci-Fi trope, let me remind you that it’s science fic--” Sam stopped for a moment and rethought that sentence. “Never mind. I’m sure there’s all kinds of ethical problems with hopping worlds.”

“I’ll just be on my best behavior.”

Sam stared at Sparda, a vein almost popping out of their forehead. It was difficult to argue with Sparda on that front as he tended to behave like a cheerful air-headed man who was fascinated with human innovation. High ranking devils had either spoken highly of him or remarked on his odd Human Fetish ™. It was too easy to forget how scary the devil could be when provoked which was why no demon, high or low ranking ever dared. Despite Mundus’ numerous attempts over the years, Sparda simply greeted such matters as “Oh, he’s just upset for the third time this week.”

“...I guess you do behave better than your sons.” Sam said, dryly.

Sparda went quiet for a moment then sighed. He had done everything by the book, even to the point Eva ordered him outside to read the child rearing books in the front yard. Yet, none of the books could explain why his twin boys were prone to beating each other up. Upon being asked about demon siblings, Sparda blanked out as if he couldn’t remember anything. There was some considerable mumbling of “maybe” as he wandered out of the room, never giving Eva a true answer. It was how he coped with difficult questions, forgetting to respond and leaving the room. Alternatively, he freaked out and hid in a tree.

“...okay.” Sparda said, still wrangling with his device.

“Can you please put that down?”

The Bug Dad sadly put the device on the coffee table, still giving Sam a wounded puppy look. Sam found it unnerving and ordered Sparda to cut it out. Eva dashed into the room and plucked the blender out of the mess.

“Oh, I was looking for that! Need it for meal prep! Good luck with your invention, honey.”

And with that, left the room with everyone in deep thought. Sparda made small sad noises at the mess, trying to reconfigure everything without the blender. Sam wasn’t sure why the blender even mattered in the whole thing considering that the only thing Sparda was doing was sticking a fork in the toaster. Sparda cleared their throat before applying a colorful bandage to the hole left behind by the blender.

“I think we can still make it work without the blender.”

“Spardaaaaaa.”

Sparda wiggled the fork again, the portal opened and closed like previously. He beamed at Sam again. “If everything goes well, we can travel right now this minute! Oh, I’ll ask Eva to pack some sandwiches for us. Who knows if it’s safe to eat food in the other worlds?”

Sam couldn’t argue with that logic. Eva’s food was safe and comfort in one small lovely package. If Sparda was going to hop worlds, they might as well have to follow and keep him out of trouble. Which was more or less what Sam had been doing since their poor decision to chase after one weird Bug Dad ™.

Brie stared (or at least Sam thought that’s what she was doing) up at the researcher, making quiet chittering sounds. She appeared to be concerned regarding Sparda’s activities in which the Researcher had to explain to their assistant that there was nothing to worry about. At least Sam hoped there was NOTHING to worry about and everything WOULD BE PERFECTLY FINE.

What a joke.

Of course nothing would be fine, they didn’t even know what they were in for! Sparda returned with sandwiches, stuffing them into Sam’s coat. Sam only sighed loudly in resignation as Sparda stuffed some drinking bottles in next. “I don’t suppose you have any more room for dessert?”

“Sparda!”

“But Eva made the most delicious apple pie!”

“We’re already breaking the laws of physics as it is with my coat.”

“Perhaps, you’re right.” Sparda pulled out the toaster. “And now for the ride of our lives!”

“Oh boy.”

Eva walked into the room, waving a handkerchief. “Good luck, everyone! Don’t forget to come back in time for dinner. We’re having pot roast!”

The portal wiggled around the duo before Brie leapt into the air, clinging to Sam’s face with a spare flask strapped to her back. Sam let out a muffled “Brie” as the portal closed around them in a flash of light. Eva could only hope Spara would behave himself. She shrugged to herself and returned to her relaxing afternoon of wine and binge watching the hottest new show on television.

\--

There was a set of bright flashing background as if they were traveling through the 1990's for whatever discernable reason despite the original series having gotten its start in 2001. Sam could only dryly remark on Sparda’s constant changing face from his human facade to his true devil. Sparda’s only response was confused noises as he wondered if removing the blender was a really bad idea.

Finally, they landed with a splat in the middle of the living room, startling a bespectacled auburn haired woman who was pounding away on the keyboard. She had a moment of, “Excuse me, what the fuck?” upon greeting Sparda and Sam. Sam slowly turned to Sparda, having realized the implications instantly, and slammed their hand on the fork.

“You. Broke. The. Fourth. Wall!”

They vanished again in a flash while the woman complained about needing more Dr. Pepper to cope with the weirdness before swearing at chapter eight of _Fortuna’s Fool_ for being such a pain in the ass to write.

Once again, they were awash in 1990’s colorful background and a cheery tune which now took on a sharp discordant sound of a piano badly out of tune as if there was a cat screaming from under the lid. Sam wanted a word with the management about the sound before Sparda realized something was dreadfully wrong.

They landed ungracefully into a very strange, twisted looking world where the color scheme resembled something of too much blues and oranges. One of those blasted generic looking color schemes or something. Sam wobbled and just almost tossed their lunch before they even had a chance to nab one of Eva’s delicious sandwiches. Sparda, for a change of pace was actually rattled by the world. He had expected to land into something interesting but this was too dismal even for his liking.

“Sam, I think we’re in trouble.”


	2. Cursed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This had to happen eventually.

Sam stared at Sparda. “What do you mean?”

“I feel as though…” Sparda was fidgeting with his hands, nervous as hell. “This place is a very bad take on our home world.”

Sam glanced at the scene before them, they were standing somewhere… that looked vaguely like London. The sky was not nice looking and everything was twisting and breaking if they so much as breathed on a trash can or a lamppost. The huge ferris wheel in the background looked pretty unsteady. Then the researcher doubled over in pain.

“Sam!”

“Ow, ouch, oof.” Sam said before standing straight up. “I think I’m okay.”

“Food poisoning?”

“No. It’s my head.” The researched rubbed their head before getting a flask out of a pocket. “I have a bloody splitting headache. I keep seeing fluffy white clouds and light. Oh, and hearing… singing?”

“Maybe you saw heaven?” Sparda asked then thought about that for a moment. He had always been curious about the concept of heaven according to humans because a thing like that didn’t really exist. For Sparda, his heaven was simply his family.

“Don’t be silly.” Sam drank deeply from the flask. “It’s a trick of the human brain. We tend to see patterns and draw conclusions from that because we’re trying to fill in the information gap with what we already know.”

“And just what is it that you do know?”

“Heaven is just a story with several variations throughout the world. Not everyone agrees on what it is. I wouldn’t doubt that it was once a separate dimension like Hell but for whatever reason, simply doesn’t exist… assuming it ever existed in the first place!”

“Hm.” Sparda seemed to be considering Sam’s words very carefully. “You are extremely grounded in reality and get easily irritated when confronted with the unfamiliar.”

Sam glared at Sparda and back at their surroundings before sighing. The Devil wasn’t wrong about how Sam tended to view the world. They needed cold hard facts before acting on something because trying to deal with the unknown was completely bananas if they didn’t have such good coping mechanism. Nevermind, Sam’s preferred coping method wasn’t a great idea in the first place but it was either that or end up a blubbering, nervous wreck. Which didn’t seem too much of a bad idea because the place was making both of them incredibly uncomfortable.

To Sparda, the place tasted like a foul version of Hell which was already saying something. “It took me a little too long to realize this, but it feels like Hell is trying to merge with this world. It’s a thin surface underneath and it feels wrong. Like it’s a slow poison over time. Tastes different from what I knew of Hell back home.”

“There’s a flavor?!”

“Vaguely. It’s also one of the reasons why I preferred the Human world. Much more delicate, sweet, and of course my true shining light in my life…”

“You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

“For her, always.”

They simply stood there in utter silence before being accosted whatever the hell those demons were as Sam shrieked in fright. Sparda wasn’t terribly impressed as he removed the fork from the toaster, Sam catching the said toaster, before Sparda immediately dispatched the approaching demon with just a fork. The researcher was well aware of Sparda’s legendary fighting techniques but they were sure as hell not prepared to witness it in action using a fork.

“Holy shit.” Sam finally blurted out after Sparda was done. “Anything in your hands is a deadly weapon, I swear on Eva’s sandwiches.”

“It comes with being the Legendary Dark Knight.” Sparda demurred, taking the toaster back from Sam. “Ah, of course, disadvantages of being retired as I don’t exactly have my sword with me. I should have considered the pitfalls of journeying between worlds without a weapon.”

“YOU THINK?” Sam nearly shouted at the top of their lungs.

The duo made their way deeper into Not-London, noting the nasty undercurrents had not vanished entirely. Sparda appeared to be especially displeased by the advertisements promoting some kind of energy drink. He idly remarked that it seemed reasonably unhealthy and unusual to see something with such heavy promotion with no competitor in sight. Sam was staring at bright white letters at their feet.

“Sparda, I’m pretty sure I’m seeing things, but I could swear the letters are mocking me for being a human.”

“I see it too, Sam. However, the letters do not seem to understand what I am and have failed to come up with a sufficient insult of my personage.”

“No one could ever describe you, Sparda.”

They chose to ignore the words on the ground as there was nothing more to respond to until a limo pulled up in front of them. A large businessman emerged from the vehicle, glaring at the duo and loudly demanding who the hell they were and what did they think they were doing in his city? Both Devil and the Researcher stared at each other for a long awkward moment before returning their attention to the businessman.

“Pardon me? I don’t believe I’ve ever made your acquaintance.” Sparda whipped their monocle off of his face, wiping it clean before returning it.

“You’ve never heard of me, Mundus?” Sparda stiffened as the businessman chuckled. “No, you have.”

“...You are clearly not the Devil I know because he was such a vain creature to the extent that he made himself in the image of a perfect winged god marble statue… he would be profusely insulted by this foul appearance.”

“What?”

“Holy shit, Sparda.” Sam breathed. “You’re going to get us both killed.”

Brie screeched and wedged herself tightly into one of Sam’s pockets. The Legendary Dark Knight scowled (first time Sam had ever witnessed a rare event) when Businessman Mundus charged in to attack Sparda. He easily blocked the punch, grabbing Mundus’ wrist and launched him clear into the air. Sam watched the large devil become a twinkle in the sky, whipping out their notebook to record the event. Sparda brushed his lapels in disgust.

“What a weak, loathsome creature. It’s clear that he’s never consumed the fruit in this realm, else we may have been in trouble. How was he ever able to take over the Human world so easily? That would seem to suggest unpleasant things about this world’s version of me.”

“Ouch.” Sam said, still writing.

Not long after, three people approached in the distance as Sparda straightened his back, taking on more of a dignified posture. Sam was still writing in their notebook, mumbling about having decided more or less this world was getting to be particularly unpleasant and unenjoyable. They glanced up from their notebook then did a goddamn double take or twenty of them. Sparda only looked between the three people, barely registering who they were then leaned over to Sam, whispering.

“Do you have any idea who they are?”

“I have a vague idea but…” Sam said, sweating as he tried to discern between a short dark haired man, a woman in a hoodie, and a tall man with white hair. “...What’s your take?”

“The short one is…” Sparda gave some considerable thought before whispering back to Sam. “Budget Dante.”

Sam fell over and made dying noises. So that’s who they were! The pieces weren’t clicking at all that well for Sam then the researcher shot back up, shouting indignantly. They went over to Budget Dante, angrily checking his height against the recorded information in the Sparda Family Chronicle notebook ™. Budget Dante jumped out of the way, clearly weirded out by the researcher.

“What the ***bleep*** , man?”

Sam ignored the remark while Budget Dante wondered how the hell he got censored on the spot. Sam went over to the second man and checked their notebook, “Yeah, I’m not going to bother trying. Math mostly adds up here.”

“Excuse me?” The white haired man said. “How is math even involved here? Unless you need me to hack a computer program for you?”

At that moment, the researcher felt as though they were staring into the camera on a particular tv series. The only hacking they’ve known Vergil to do was to take his rage out on a vegetable on the cutting board with Yamato. Which usually resulted in things flying into the walls and one very irritated wife.

Finally, Sam approached the woman, taking a careful study of her appearance. “May I ask your name?”

“Why?”

“Just to confirm you are who I think you are.”

“We’ve never met before!”

“Not in this reality, no. I’m Sam, a scientist researcher. I have to excuse for my abrupt behavior as you see, I’m in the field gathering data. Oh, don’t worry, we’re not with Mundus. In fact, my friend here more or less threw him into the sky.”

“What the hell? Just like that?!” Budget Dante exclaimed. “What kind of person are you…?”

“Ehh. If you say so, I’m Kat.”

Sparda blinked for a moment before announcing out loud. “Well. I don’t know anyone named that.” Then Sam smacked the confused Devil with the notebook with a quiet, “yes you do.”

\--

Carina sneezed loudly. “I think I’m coming down with something.”

“Oh dear, do you need me to brew you some tea?”

“That would be lovely, Eva. Where did Sparda and Sam go to anyway?”

“They have claimed my toaster and are travelling right now.”

Carina squinted for a moment but wisely chose not to ask anymore details. She also had a sneaking suspicion that somewhere, someone needed to be smote with a chair just to make her feel better. Didn’t know why she had such a strong overwhelming feeling in the first place. Eva returned with a tray of hot herbal tea brewing in the kettle and poured a cup for her daughter-in-law.

“How are the grandchildren?”

“Nero’s still doing great in school. I still worry about him whenever he goes to Fortuna on the weekends because something is really wrong with the Order.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t know.” Carina sipped her cup, holding it in her hands to warm her up. “It’s a feeling.”

“It’s never a bad thing to listen to your feelings. They tell you more than you know.”

“Maybe.”

\--

Sam dragged Sparda off to the side. “Your daughter-in-law is named _Aikaterine_.”

“Oh. I totally forgot.”

“Yeah, because she personally hits anyone with a chair for using that name.”

“I … see. Has she ever actually done that?”

“Once. Dante got hit over the head and walked it off, barely noticed it.”

“Returning to the subject. We’ve established that those two are… wait, who is the other man? I thought they were supposed to be identical twins?”

“Clearly this world ignores science.” Sam scowled. “And reversed things.”

“...are you, by any chance, Sparda?” The tall man asked, snapping Sam and Sparda out of their huddle. “No, you don’t look like the one I remember.”

“While I am Sparda, yes, I am not the one you know.”

“I guessed as much. Disappointing… was hoping to get some answers.”

“I would like the answers too, V--”

Sparda was suddenly interrupted by a beam of white light coming out of the sky, startling everyone. Did Mundus return? No, what happened next was incredibly bizarre and especially infuriating for Sam the Researcher. Someone who looked exactly like Sam (including the glasses and the lab coat) descended out of the sky with angel wings attached to their back. There was a distinctive sound of a triangle (the instrument) being struck somewhere off in the distance.

“...I’m late, aren’t I?”

“EXCUSE ME?” Sam shouted at a giggling Sparda. “Will you stop that!”

“You’re literally a… hee hee snort, hee hee. Guardian Angel!”

“If I didn’t already have some vague idea of what hell looked like, I would swear I was in freaking hell right now.”

“Kind of close. There’s this limbo thing going on.” Sam the Angel responded. “My arrival seems to have been timed poorly. My boss, Agatha had me detained for trying to warn our fellow angel Eva.”

The men reacted loudly at the name with some angry yelling but not before Sparda held a hand up to interrupt them. “Did you say Eva is an angel?”

“Yes. These twins are Nephilim--”

Sam interrupted, “To my understanding, that bloody term means half angel, half human. Is Sparda of this world a human?”

“Well-- no, he’s a Devil--”

“THIS IS FUCKING STUPID. I hate this world so very, very, very much. THAT’S NOT EVEN WHAT THE WORD MEANS. Also, angels aren’t even real!”

While Sam the Researcher was going on a rampage with their furious ranting, Sparda tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Strange. Eva’s an angel here? This world really doesn’t understand Eva at all that well. She’s beyond such description. Why, she’s more than a goddess for she is the light that fills my dark soul.”

“Sparda, please.” Sam the Researcher groaned. “Shoo, Sam! Fix this world!”

Sam the Angel made a yelping sound as they were being chased around the group by the annoyed researcher. There was something that sounded vaguely like “There is no way in hell that my evil boss is even an angel either” along with “How the hell did you screw up so badly that the world is such a mess like this” and few other choice ranting and raving. Kat rose a hand, meekly.

“Well… couldn’t we trouble you to stay behind and help us?”

“Alas, no. We can’t possibly do anything like that.” Sparda said, trying to think of things that were Sam-like. “Us being here is enough trouble. I must retrieve my annoyed researcher and we’ll be on our way. Boys, I am deeply troubled by how life has been treating you two. Please depend on each other because it’s important. Family should never be apart.”

With that, Sparda plucked Sam by the back of their jacket, startling the researcher. He proceeded to stick the fork in the toaster and threw the switch so to speak. The duo vanished in a blink of an eye as Sam the Angel sighed loudly looking around the place. “I guess we do need to clean up.”

“Where the hell is Mundus anyway?”

“Not on this planet anymore, I can tell you that.” Sam the Angel responded to Budget Dante. “Frozen solid in Outer Space.”

“With him out of the way, I could take over the world.” Hackerman Vergil responded.

“No.” Sam the Angel and Kat both stated flatly. “Bad idea.”

\--

The duo crashed into the middle of a full classroom in which one Sam the Teacher sighed loudly and drank from their flask. “And now, a change in lesson plans in which we’ll learn the meaning of bloody weird paradoxes. SPARDA.”

Sparda was clutching to the toaster tightly on his chest while stuck on his back. “Sam?”

Both Sam’s answered him with a flat “What” while the Researcher was clutching to his side, obviously terrified.

“Excuse me, where are we?”

“You’re in the middle of Redgrave Public High School in my classroom, Sparda.”

“Hi, dad.” Dante waved from a desk. “And … another Sam!”

“I need alcohol.” Sam the Researcher said, trying to reach for their flask and found a spooked Brie. It was clear the demon cheese wheel had not enjoyed the previous world at all. “Okay.”


	3. Story Telling Sheningans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place a little bit after "Through The Mirror of Another" chapter 5.

Sam the Researcher had their head in their hands, trying to make sense of their situation while comparing notes with Sam the Teacher to see where the points had diverged at. They made curious noises as they found the divergence. A long time ago when Sparda and Eva were debating whether to send their children to public school so they could interact with the humans better or if they should resume educating them home-school style. Sam the Teacher became a teacher to keep track of the boys and to hopefully keep them out of trouble for a reason while Sam the Researcher was stuck sleeping in the yard despite offers to sleep in the house over the years.

“It’s also a little weird to see that you really haven’t aged at all.” Sparda remarked.

“Fancy that, coming from what, a 3,000 year old demon.” Sam the Teacher snorted. “If you must know…”

Sparda quietly whispered. “More than that… maybe.”

“Agatha made us drink some kind of concoction that suspended our aging process.” Sam the Researcher finished. “Of course, this was what made us decide to escape from her watchful presence and take up on researching you.”

“That’s… a little disturbing how well you two are in sync.”

“It’s not completely unreasonable if the divergence is a small point in time as a result of a different choice taken. Sam the Angel is complicated.” Sam the Researcher made a small augh sound before drowning their flask.

“Sam the Angel? Are you serious? There’s no such thing--”

“I know.” Sparda sighed, interrupting Sam the Teacher. “I’ve already heard it. Sorry. It's fascinating to see the inside of a human school system. Such things didn’t exist in Hell. It was learning through trial and combat.”

“Somehow, I’m not surprised.” Both Sams responded.

“This isn’t really a small divergence.” Sam the Researcher said. “For instance, um, you apparently have both Carina and Lady--”

“Who?”

“Damn it. Aikaterine and Mary. Mary, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“In my time, they showed up much later. Aikaterine was stuck in Fortuna still, and well…” Sam the Researcher flipped through their notebook. “Mary didn’t show up until the tower thing did.”

“What tower?”

“Temen Ni Gru thing. I only have vague third hand knowledge of it. Clowns were involved, apparently.”

“Funny, you should mention that… there was a clown involved recently. No tower though.”

Sparda looked back and forth as if he was watching a tennis match. Lunch break had fortunately arrived not too long ago, leaving the classroom empty as everyone were weirded out by seeing double of their beloved teacher. He leaned out of the hallway, hearing snippets of varying gossip.

“I thought it was weird enough that there’s twins in this school, now the teacher has a twin too?” “I dunno, they came out of nowhere in the middle of the lecture.” “Meh, must be a science lecture again.”

“I think the cheese wheel is multiplying into smaller cheese wheels.” At this one, Sparda reminded himself to look for a Colby. “No, I dropped my lunch.” Sparda REALLY reminded himself to find Colby.

“I heard Vice President set a clown on fire!” “Are you serious? If she could do that, she would have set the President’s groupies on fire by now… they’re so annoying.” “I know! I wish she could do that too. They are so awfully loud. How is anyone supposed to study with them around?”

“It’s hot dogs day! Woo! I’m going to get some!”

Sparda leaned back into the classroom, asking Sam the Researcher about Colby. They immediately produced the sleeping cheese wheel before returning Colby to their pocket. Sam the Teacher was amazed and asked after Colby in which there was a long winded explanation of how Brie could split off more cheese wheels. Sam the Teacher looked at Brie on their desk in which that particular Brie appeared to shake their head (???). The other Brie rolled around Sparda in a confused circle.

“Do students in this school gossip so much?”

“Sadly, yes.”

“Who’s the Class President and why do I feel sorry for him?”

“That would be Vergil. I can’t tell if you’re talking about his girlfriend or the groupies.”

“I really don’t know. Then I suppose the Vice President is also his girlfriend and … who set the clown on fire?”

“Aikaterine, yes.” 

“I’m quite surprised she didn’t hit the clown with a chair.”

“She had a shotgun.”

“Oh well, that seems a little more normal.”

Both Sams had to think about that sentence. Finally, they gave Sparda identical stares of disbelief before starting to argue with him about having never known the true definition of normal. He held a finger up and pointed out it was their version of normal in which everyone was just a little crazy. Of course, neither Sam could argue with that logic which made them both sit in the same corner as they quietly mumbled to themselves.

“Sup, pop?”

Sparda turned his head towards Dante. Admittedly, that was a little odd to see his son as a teenager again but at least he was still Dante. “Yes, Dante?”

“I figured that you’ve been giving both Sams a complex again… you’re like, from a similar universe?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes. Only in my universe, you’re… older.”

“Neat. What else can you tell me?”

“Um.” Sparda looked a bit nervous. “I don’t know if this falls under potential interfering with the future or whatever Sam goes on about.”

“Ah, that’s cool. Am I a badass demon hunter?” Dante propped his leg on a chair. “Or maybe an actor? A pole dancer named Tony Redgrave?”

“Yes.”

“Evasive again, aren’t we, pops?” Dante laughed. “At least tell me I’ve got a hot wife or something.”

“Yes.” Sparda repeated once again.

“Stop breaking the alternative version of Father.” Vergil swatted his twin. “Was there a reason why you came to this world?”

“Um, maybe the blender was supposed to be something we could program instructions in?”

“IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, SPARDA.” Sam the Researcher shouted across the room. “No! The blender… blends.”

“In other words, it was random?”

“Yes.” Sparda said. “We never know where we go.”

“Do you even know how to get back home?”

At that moment, the travelling duo were immediately terrified into silence; that was something Sparda failed to take into account. Sam the Researcher dug a paper bag out from their coat and started breathing deeply into it. The twins only sighed and facepalmed at the same time. Sam the Teacher offered a spare flask to Sam the Researcher who gratefully accepted and took a quick sip before returning it.

“We’ll figure it out.” Sparda said after thinking about it for a long while. “I’m sure Sam here could figure out the right set of calculations to get us closer to home.”

“After getting a decent amount of alcohol poisoning, sure.”

“Ah, not again.” Sam the Teacher peered outside. “That damn marble statue is back. I’m going to have to find that holy water sprayer.”

Sparda made a confused noise at the Teacher, watching them step away from the window. He glanced outside and there was that obnoxiously familiar looking marble statue in the image of a winged god… in ¼ of his normal size. He gave a loud, long suffering sigh that would have matched Sam the Researcher’s own. “Never mind the holy water.”

“Huh?”

Everyone gathered near the windows, watching in astonishment as Sparda walked outside onto the school grounds and promptly threw the marble statue into the sky where he was nary more than a twinkle. Sparda clapped his hands, wiping the dirt off his pristine white gloves. Sam the Teacher mumbled about how they should have thought to call Sparda in the first place for “pest removal”.

“That’s the second time he’s done that.” Sam the Researcher stated flatly. “If the next world has another Mundus…”

“What happened with the last world?” Dante asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Was it that bad?” Aikaterine asked. “...I mean, I had a weird feeling that I picked off of you two.”

Sam the Researcher snorted. “Yes, yes, it was that bad.” Then as an afterthought, they added. “Don’t let Vergil hack computers.”

“What. Don’t be silly, I’m not using Yamato to chop up the computers.”

Sam the Researcher sighed, facepalming as Sam the Teacher loudly pointed out that Vergil wasn’t even allowed anywhere near the computers from now on. One of Aikaterine’s eyes was twitching as she walked over to Sparda and grabbed the toaster, surprising everyone. She furrowed her eyebrows in concreation, trying to see whatever she could see.

Finally, she announced. “Your next destination involves … home and a young teenage boy with an engine in a sword? I feel like I should know his name.”

Sparda gently plucked the toaster out of her hands. “Thank you, dear. I do think we may be on our way back, Sam! Also, Sam. Apologies for interrupting your class. This has been a fascinating lesson on how humans are educated in public schools.”

“...ok.” Sam the Teacher groaned into their hand while reaching for the flask.

It didn’t occur to anyone until now but it was probably Mary’s first time meeting Sparda in any shape or form. She had been gaping the entire time, trying to figure how this man was even related to the twins. Later, Dante would realize this and offer her a pizza as a form of apology before he finally took her to meet the Sparda of this world… who wasn’t that much different.

Once Sparda nabbed Sam the Researcher and threw the lever, Mary finally piped up. “So, is that what your dad’s really like?”

“Um. More or less.” Dante answered sheepishly.

“Okay. And he’s a Devil right?”

“Yes.”

“Are you really sure?”

“...yes.”

\--

The duo landed in a giant fountain in the courtyard which happened to be in front of the Order of the Sword building. Sam the Researcher sighed with an “oh bullshit” while Sparda blinked several times. He stared all around himself and started sweating nervously. Why did they land in Fortuna-- didn’t Aikaterine tell them they were going home…?

Well, this might be a detour?

Sparda stared at the giant statue of himself, perfectly intact. There was no evidence of Riza and Ann’s vandalism having ever marred the pristine visage. That was when Sparda realized that they were deeply in trouble.


	4. Bonds and Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we trip into Devil May Cry 4's canon!

“So.” Sam began, looking all around themselves. “Home, sweet home.”

“I didn’t know you missed Fortuna that much.” Sparda was sweating bullets, still gaping at the giant statue of himself. 

“Sam! You came back?”

Their ears perked up at the familiar cheery voice. Kyrie was walking towards them as she contemplated the current situation. Sam the Researcher sputtered and climbed out of the fountain. “Not by choice, no.”

“So, you came back for your papers?”

“Erm. Did I quit out of rage or something?”

“Yes.”

“Figures.” Sam sighed. “Now what…? What’s the divergence in this world?”

“What are you talking about?” Kyrie asked in confusion then laughed it off. Sam must have been talking about another experiment! “Oh, I see. Who’s the gentleman with you? He’s got white hair like Nero?”

Sparda froze for a moment, making a confused noise. Was Kyrie playing pretend or did they never meet? If that was the case… something ached in Sparda’s chest. If there was Kyrie… then there must be Nero! Maybe Nero could help clarify things? Kyrie said they were free to come inside to listen to her singing for the services. Even though Sam had always gone out of their way to avoid services, they supposed just ONE time wouldn’t hurt.

Sparda wondered where Nero was, asking as much. Kyrie said she wasn’t sure, just that he had something to do and was running a little late. Sam was lost in their thoughts, trying to figure out the divergence in the world as they took their seat with Sparda at their side. The Devil was constantly fascinated with how people didn’t seem to notice that the actual Sparda was among the believers.

The cult still freaked him out.

It was by chance that Nero finally snuck in, his arm still wrapped up and in a sling. Sparda’s heart immediately lifted but was struck odd by the arm. There was no reason for the young man to have a broken arm. Why, they could regenerate any injuries, including a broken bone or twenty and maybe several organs. (As evident by Dante constantly being stabbed by Vergil.) Speaking of which, Dante dropped from the skylights, shooting Sanctus in the forehead. Sam and Sparda only just now noticed after hearing the gun fire off as the researcher was previously distracted by their contemplation. The crowd immediately fled the room as Sparda stared blankly.

“Excuse me, Dante, but I don’t think shooting people like that is a great idea…”

Dante turned around suddenly, startled. “Dad--?”

Then Dante got booted in the face by a very angry Nero as Sparda quietly whispered. “I see where he gets it from…”

“Who?” Sam snapped to attention. “Oh, both of them. Wait a second.”

There was a very dead Sanctus not too far from them. Sam walked over to the body and gave the corpse a small kick. “You freaking suck for not firing Agatha.”

Credo stared at Sam, incredulously. “I know you’ve had your issues… but was that necessary!? I’ll… ignore that for now.” He grabbed Kyrie and left the room.

Then the body was dragged away by Order soldiers as Sam waved before wincing and recalling that there was a chance Santcus could resurrect. Stupid uplifting cermony. Thankfully, if Sam knew themselves, the Sam of this universe had already left the island for a goddamn vacation away from the Order. (In fact, that Sam had already booked straight to mainland after quitting last night. They were currently asleep in a modest hotel in Redgrave to perhaps, pick up the thread of Sparda research…?)

Sparda was busy watching Nero wiping the floor with Dante, idly noting everything. “A little unrefined, did Vergil get sloppy with his teachings? I should talk to him…”

“Wait.” Sam poked Sparda in the side, causing the Devil to wince. “Something is wrong here. I … think the divergence in this world is bigger than we both thought.”

“What do you mean?”

“Has Nero ever been that hostile to Dante before?”

“Only if he’s been fighting with Vergil…” Sparda answered automatically. “Oh.”

“Yeeeeah.”

“Well, I’m going to have some words with Vergil.”

“So do I!” Dante shouted from having been pinned into the statue with Rebellion in his chest. “That’s the second time.”

“Um.” Sam began. “Nero…?”

“Is he even human?”

Sparda declined to answer the question on the grounds that he was entirely too stunned by the idea that Nero had no clue about his family. The realization was too much for Sparda to even consider, sending him in something of a cataonic state. Sam glanced at Nero’s arm, doing a double take, blurting out, “Why the heck is your arm stuck in Devil Trigger?!”

“Huh? I thought my arm got infected.”

“...what are you talking about, Nero?”

“Don’t you remember, Sam? You gave me a weird look the other day when I told you about being attacked by demons while I was with Kyrie.”

“Oh. Well.” Sam sighed, facepalming. “No, your arm isn’t infected. You’re a…” Couldn’t even finish the sentence not with the weird looks from Dante. What the hell was that guy trying to signal to Sam?

“About that. We’re basically the same… and you know, those guys too.” He gestured to the fallen order soldiers which looked quite less than human.

“I fail to see the similarities between a half devil, a quarter devil, and idiots who participated in the ascension ceremony.” Sam shot back at Dante who was pushing himself off the statue with the sword still stuck in his chest.

“Who’s a quarter demon?” Nero asked.

With the sword now removed from his chest, Dante promptly escaped with an, “Adios, kid!” before Nero could even fire bullets in his particular direction. Sam loudly blamed Sparda for Dante’s evasiveness in which the poor Devil only mumbled a few choice words to himself. Finally, Nero had enough with the weirdness surrounding the gentleman in purple and loudly demanded the tall Devil’s name.

“I’m Sam.”

Sam facepalmed at Sparda.

“...you’re not.” Nero said, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

“You’re right, I’m Sparda.”

“Be serious.”

“Nero… HE IS.” Sam said. “You know who I specifically research.”

Nero took a long hard look at Sparda in front of him then back at the damaged statue where he had pinned Dante to previously. Then back at the Devil again. “Not really seeing the resemblance.”

“White hair. Blue eyes. May or may not have one brain cell.”

“Are you describing him, me, or ...that guy?”

“That guy is my son, Dante.” Sparda responded to Nero. “I do terribly apologize for the very uncivilized method of interrupting the services.”

“Uncivilized!? What the hell’s going on?”

They all stared at the bodies of the ascended ones. Sam was racking their memories, trying to recall. There had been small select groups of people who had subtly changed in ways that they couldn’t tell. Whenever Sam randomly went back to Fortuna to pick up their mail or a research paper, there was always something off about a fellow scientist or two. There also was that weird surge in demon activity that no one was interested in explaining. Wait a second? Was that actually happening in both places at the same time? If so, that could mean trouble…

“Answers to what?” Sparda asked, gently.

“Everything. Kyrie! I have to check to see if she’s okay.”

They didn’t have to run outside, after all because Credo returned with Kyrie not too far behind, dragging a box behind her. Kyrie had told Nero something in which earshot made Sparda’s eyebrows raise and Sam wondered what it was about the Sparda men that attracted perverts. (The dialogue in question involved “...yearns for your touch…”) Credo finally took notice of Sparda, halfway between a double take but not before he narrowed his eyes.

“Are you of some relation to Nero?”

“Yes, I’m his grandfather.”

Nero immediately fell over while Kyrie beamed in astonishment and grabbed Sparda’s hand. “It’s so nice to meet you at last! I’ve been wondering if Nero ever had any family left after our parents took him in.”

“Any family left? What happened to Nero’s parents?”

“You don’t know…?”

Sam was busy writing about the divergence in their notebook, frowning. There was something familiar about it, almost like one of their nightmares that they were having over the years. Odd, though. They never could remember the dreams clearly unless Carina was talking to them. Carina, Carina… where the hell was she?

“Did you say something?” Credo was giving Sam an odd look.

“Damn, did I say that out loud? No, no one here would have known her by that name.”

Nero gave Sparda a confused look. “You’re really my grandfather? So… is that guy…”

“He’s your uncle.” Sparda answered. “If that’s what you were worried about. No, you’re a considerable mix of your parents, though maybe more of your mother’s temper. And swearing. Yes, you inherited your mother’s swearing.”

Credo had the facial expression of someone who was eating a particularly sour lemon. Was it really fair of him to ask Nero to hunt down his dumbass uncle and demand an explanation for shooting Santcus in the forehead in front of everyone? Might as well do it before things got any stranger than they were already. An actual grandson of Sparda here, in the city, surrounded by worshippers. No wonder why the Bug Dad himself looked very uncomfortable.

“Nero, do me a favor and find Dante. I need to have a word with him! He might have a better idea of what’s going on.”

“Okay, but you better not get in trouble.” Nero said before retreating and gave Kyrie a quick hug. He was already blushing from having noticed her wearing the necklace he tried to stealth-gift earlier. She was too adorable and it was killing him on the inside.

Once Nero had left, Sam let out a breath they had been holding for some considerable time. “Credo, does the name Aikaterine Fortune mean anything to you?”

“Just some curious records I came across, why?”

“That’s his mother. Is … she still here?”

“I don’t know. Only that the Fortune Shipping company ended up in the Order’s hands through a hastily rewritten will that indicated the heir had passed on.”

“That can’t be right.” Sparda whispered quietly.

“I’m pretty sure that’s some hot bullshit.” Sam snapped. “I’m going back into the trenches. Wish me luck against Agatha and her… Agathaness. Brie! You’re going to be my back up.”

Brie popped out of Sam’s pocket and followed the researcher into the building, eager to get on the action. Credo and Kyrie couldn’t believe their eyes. Was that a cheese wheel with demon horns and legs?! Sparda confirmed that, yes, Brie was a demon cheese wheel and had a particular affinity for chasing after Sam’s evil coworkers away.

“But I’ve never seen Sam with one before?”

“This might be a bit much for you, young lady. Sam and I are from somewhere else.” Sparda paused. “Well, other than Redgrave, but I’m afraid it’s complicated to explain.”

\--

Sam was busy entertaining themselves by watching Brie hiss and chase Agatha around the building. They were now in the other Sam’s office, going through notes when they picked up a particularly interesting letter written from one Sam to another. The other Sam must have predicted what would have happened and left a tidy message behind to catch up Sam the Researcher on the current situation.

“This is awfully convenient.” Sam remarked to themselves. “Let’s see… note goes to add that this Sam figured out there were two survivors of the attack-- what.”

Yes, you read this right. Two survivors of the attack. I’m assuming you are from another world in which the attack was prevented and everything has gone on as normal. At least I hope it’s normal for you and that you haven’t been driven to alcoholism.

“The joke’s on… them? This damned demon liver.” Sam sighed.

Regardless, the twins have grown up separately. One was easy to track, the other wasn’t and I believe this was due to an alias employed. Only one made his way into Fortuna and left behind a particularly interesting surprise. I briefly met the mother of his child who I can quite attest to her particular stubbornness and tendicity to swear.

“Really.”

I deeply regret that I was not able to save her from Agatha’s clutches as they were soon parted due to her unique body chemistry reaction owing to chimerism. If she were to help you in any manner, I’m sorry she’s no longer in the city anymore. I suspect she’s still alive somewhere else but, well, you know. Agatha.

“Damn it.”

There wasn’t any more to the letter which made Sam growl in frustation. The divergence went farther back than that, it seemed. If Eva was dead… that could only mean something bad happened to Sparda because the researcher seriously doubted Sparda would have ever allowed anything horrible to happen to his beloved wife. A rather ominous shadow loomed behind Sam while they straightened their back.

\--

“Ohh! It’s like when Sam talks about alternative worlds!” Kyrie said.

Credo did a double take and wondered when Kyrie found the time to wander into the labs despite his best attempts to keep her away from some of the odder scientists. But, if there had to be a scientist… Sam was the safest choice, unlike certain others.

“Precisely. So I apologize. I can’t say anymore… because I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Sparda demurred. “At best, I can make some suggestions for everyone to set things right!”

There was a loud shriek coming from inside the building, alarming everyone. Sparda dashed inside, followed closely by Credo and Kyrie. Once they reached the lab, Sam leapt at Sparda, furiously clinging to the confused Bug Dad. Brie followed shortly after, clinging to Sparda’s head. The Devil blinked slowly, trying to figure out why the poor researcher was so terrified for their life.

Credo stiffened, stepping in front of Kyrie to hide her. “Angus. What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking that of you! This is the research labs, a place you don’t belong.” The giant tanned man announced. “And here, I thought our dear Sam had quit their job recently.”

“GETHIMOUTOFHEREGETHIMOUTOFHEREGETHIMOUTOFHERE” Sam was shrieking into Sparda’s ear.

Sparda sighed, slightly offended by Angus’ monocle and the fact that the poor researcher was suffering from severe psychological terror. “Please stop scaring my researcher…” A pause. “...and their cheese.”

Brie hissed loudly from clinging to Sparda’s head. Angus noticed the demon cheese wheel, amazed. He was sorely tempted to pluck the thing off of Sparda’s head for research, but he felt a sense of overwhelming power coming from Bug Dad. Stronger than that little brat Nero’s or the sword shoved away in his secret lab.

“Very well.” Angus scoffed. “I’ll excuse myself as I have more important things to do than scaring fellow researchers.”

Once the giant left, Sam slid off of Sparda, nearly having rendered into a near catontic state. Brie fell off, landing on Sam’s face with a light “oof”. Sparda turned to Credo, “That is a very distasteful man in this organization. Is the Order full of such people?”

“I could not tell you that for sure.” Credo was uncomfortable with this line of questioning. “There are all kinds of characters.”

“I would suggest you be careful of that man. Regardless, I think it’s best we depart right now. Take care, you two. Please watch over Nero for me and give him my regards.” Sparda threw the fork in the toaster, causing the duo to vanish before Credo and Kyrie’s eyes.

“I wonder…” Kyrie began, looking at her older brother. “I really hope we can find more of Nero’s family.”

Credo winced slightly, aware that Kyrie was thinking of their parents. Their death was still something that they were struggling with and even when Credo discovered the truth a long time ago, he couldn’t even bear to reveal to his sister. That their parents fell victims to people who failed to ascend.

\--

Sparda and Sam were now standing at the entrance to a large tower. The sky was cloudy as if it was going to start pouring rain any time soon. Sam blinked repeatedly, wondering what the hell was going on. Brie was pacing back and forth at the tower while Sparda nervously cleared his throat.

“Sparda?”

“Well. I never thought I’d see Temen Ni Gru again.”

“Great, send in the clowns.” Sam scoffed.

“More people? Man, I’m a devil hunter, not a tour guide!” Dante complained loudly, starling everyone involved.

There was a woman at his side, carrying a shotgun and an awfully cute baby strapped to her chest. Sam said quietly, “Holy shit, Carina.”


	5. Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slight tweak within Hell Has No Fury (which is an alternative take on DMC3)

“You know who I am?” Carina said, surprised. “Ah-- that’s right, you must be from Fortuna too… your accent.”

“Unhappily.” Sam responded. “I imagine that means I won’t see myself in this world again.”

“And … you?”

“I’m Sparda. Hello, Dante… and is this little Nero? Can I hold him?” Carina nodded as she handed Nero over to Bug Dad who was now baby talking to the small one.

Dante just stared. “Can someone tell me why my dad who randomly went missing all these years and … is just back here?”

“We’re not from your world, Dante. Damn it, that’s the second time we’ve shown up in a world where Sparda went missing!”

“I went missing?” Sparda looked up, confused. “Why would I ever disappear? My family matters too much.”

“I don’t know. But what I do know is that you weren’t there then… mom…” The young devil hunter was having trouble reconciling the idea. He wanted to be angry at Sparda but did it really matter when he wasn’t from this world?

Hell, he witnessed them popping in front of the tower, not too long ago. There was a good possibility that his father had already died a long time ago and he didn’t remember it. Everything from his childhood was one mess of trauma after another. Being locked up in that closet and hearing his mother dying in another room trying to find his twin. Having to drag his sword out of the house all by himself, trying to hide under a new name.

Speaking of which, his twin. The brief reunion two years ago was so strange, while Dante was overjoyed to find him… the same couldn’t be said of Vergil. There was a certain amount of bitterness coming from him despite his attempts to largely conceal it from the younger twin. Then he had departed afterwards, saying that he was looking for information on their father.

And well. Dante watched the alternative version of his father play with the grandbaby. Didn’t think his brother had it in him to even allow himself near a human woman in the first place. There was definitely something about her in the way she handled herself, barely fazed by the appearance of demons in the vicinity as if she had personally seen one before. Huh.

“You know, no one ever wanted to talk about what happened at the tower.” Sam said to themselves quietly, recalling their previous reports.

“Hm? Sam?”

“Nothing, Sparda.”

“We should get a move on. After all, my dear brother issued an invitation.” Dante scoffed. “And I just want to watch her kick his ass.”

“Remember, you’re doing the heavy lifting.” Carina pointed out. 

“Yeah, yeah. I gotcha.” Dante waved a hand. “I also expect front row seats when you kick my brother’s ass.”

“I’m sure there’ll be fireworks.”

“Please don’t shoot him.” Sparda piped up. “Um. Well, not too much? I must say that it’s rather irresponsible of him to leave you in such a situation in which he’s neglecting both of you two.”

“He didn’t even know I was pregnant before he left.”

“I suppose I should have strict words with him after you’re done.”

Sam groaned. Vergil was in for one hell of a surprise what with the entire family showing up at the tower to give him a piece of their mind. The researcher looked down to Brie who stared back and made a quiet chittering sound. That reminded them to flip through their previous reports which had some troubling elements in it. Something about nearly falling into Hell and having to be pulled out by one irate wife.

The party proceeded through the entrance in which everyone was greeted by the welcoming committee consisting of several reapers. It would seem that the welcoming committee didn’t have a chance with a devil hunter, an angry mother, and a Bug Dad with a fork. Once the dust settled, Sam took a shot out of their flask, wandering off to poke at the divinity statue. 

“Oh my. Nero easily sleeps through such loud fights.” Sparda remarked as he handed the baby back to Carina who was more than happy to curl up against his mother’s chest. “He’s going to be a fine devil hunter when he grows up!”

If Brie could roll their eyes, the cheese wheel would. Instead, Brie wheeled into Sparda’s ankle out of annoyance several times before rolling back over to Sam. Sam was thinking to the time when they had a random rant over the statues before sighing out of resignation.

“I’m broke, anyone got any blood orbs?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m on it.” Dante saluted Sam before going through the first set of doors. Sparda paced around the main room, seemingly lost in their thoughts regarding the tower.

“What’s up?” Carina asked, before sitting down to lean against a wall for support.

“Just that this place was constructed as a way to close off a portion of Hell and to keep Mundus from trying to get through. There’s several other places in the world where the divide between worlds is thin, easy to get through. Usually you need a certain thing to open a doorway in places without one."

“I’m pretty sure the toaster doesn’t count.” Sam scoffed, still at the statue.

“Well. The toaster is something else entirely. What you need is … oh blast it, why did I ever give Vergil Yamato?”

“Because he’s the oldest one and by that logic, more responsible than Dante?”

“My ass.”

They looked at Carina who snorted indignantly. Sparda had a distinctive feeling that perhaps, it would be wise to not bring up his oldest son again in her presence. Speaking of which, he could sense his son somewhere in the tower but wasn’t sure as to where he was. There were also some familiar figures too… like a certain ex-girlfriend. The Bug Dad groaned quietly. He preferred to avoid ex-girlfriends as much as possible and on that note, he was secretly grateful that he was nowhere close to South America. Another sticky issue.

\--

Vergil was feeling rather irate. The clown was a bloody nuisance and the constant interruptions with his reading wasn’t improving his mood any. He knew Dante had made it to the tower by now but there was a new presence that he hadn’t felt in years. It bothered and concerned him. Why would his father show up all this time now? If it wasn’t for that sensation prickling at the back of his neck, he would haven’t had the need to divert his plan.

Unable to focus anymore, he slammed the book shut, returning it to a shelf. Very well, he would go down to the parlor and deal with the unwelcome surprise. If that was his father after all. He paused before the doors, wondering what he would say if that was the case. There were just no words to excuse years of anger, rensement and having been forced into a life on the run. His hand ran through his white hair, nothing was coming to mind.

\--

On the other hand, Dante was getting sick of the damn tower and the puzzles within. He figured that Sparda had put in so many unnecessarily complicated puzzles and traps just to keep people from breaking through. He had to admit the guy was a bit off-the-wall brilliant but at the same time, appreciated how much effort Sparda poured into the tower.

Then Dante got shot in the face by a very angry young woman.

\--

“Did you hear that?” Sparda said. “Funny, I know that gunshot sound…”

“That’s a little creepy with the super hearing you guys have.” Sam took another sip from their flask. “I’m pretty sure I know who shot Dante.”

Not too long after, Dante showed up, somehow holding a struggling Lady in his hands. How he was able to disarm her, no one knew or wanted to ask. He dropped her in front of everyone and started digging bullets out of his forehead. Lady looked back and forth, not sure who to trust in the room. Were they all Devils?

“I’m surprised you’re still alive.” Carina said.

“Just got a bit of a headache.” One bullet clattered to the ground as he dug in for the other one.

“Who are you people?” Lady demanded, still upset that her guns were taken away.

The researcher sighed, introducing everyone in the room in order: Sam, Sparda, Carina, baby Nero, and Dante with a headache over there. Lady tilted her head at the baby, loudly questioning the fact that Carina chose to bring a baby to the tower in which she shot back with, “I didn’t have a babysitter and besides, I’m personally kicking his father’s ass the minute I see him anyway.”

“And that’s why I’m grateful you didn’t have a shotgun.” Dante dropped the last bullet on the ground next to Lady. “I’d be digging in my face for WEEKS.”

Sparda looked at Carina and her shotgun nervously. “You wouldn’t shoot Vergil, would you?”

“That depends on his answer.”

“She’s going to shoot him, Sparda.” Sam remarked dryly in which Bug Dad groaned and slapped his face.

“Anyways. I’d suggest we move on but there’s a new puzzle I’m going to need Lady’s help with as soon as she promises not to shoot me again.”

“I’m not sure why I want to cooperate with you.” Lady was trying to get her Kalina Ann off of Dante’s back with minimal success. Instead, she found herself hanging off of Dante’s back, looking ridiculous with her small stature vs Dante’s somewhat large but not quite large as he would be in a couple of decades. “I’d like my guns back, please.”

“Pinky swear it.”

“Are you serious.”

“You’re not getting them back.” Dante spun around walking off with Lady still hanging onto his back, shooting a “HELP ME” look at everyone else. She was clearly on her own for this one.

“Maybe we should go now, Sparda.” Sam said. “We’ve been stuck in this tower long enough.”

“I think that is a wise idea, I don’t want to run into an ex-girlfrien--”

The shotgun went off behind their backs as the two turned around to see Carina furiously swearing and shooting at a clown with a side of “KILLITWITHFIRE” in which Sam distinctively recalled something oddly familiar about burning clowns. Oh yeah, the Teacher had said something. The Jester got into Sparda’s face and reacted with shock, nose bobbing back and forth.

“You! You’re alive? How could this be? GIIIIIvvvvEEEEeeee MEEEEeeee YOOOOOooooUUUUUrrrrrr POOOOowwwwe--”

The Jester was interrupted due to being caught on fire. He shrieked and vanished into thin air, leaving a smoke trail behind. Carina looked clearly freaked out, having no idea what the hell just happened. Sparda blinked and scratched his chin, nonplussed. Sam would offer Carina a sip from their flask but didn’t know if that would make things worse or not. On the other hand, Nero took a big yawn, rubbing his sleepy blue eyes.

“Did I really just set that clown on fire?”

“Probably.” Sam said. “I hate this tower.”

“Carina, would it be too much if I could ask you for your assistance?” Sparda asked, gently. “I just need you to touch the toaster and tell me what you see?”

Carina frowned at Sparda. What a weird request, but okay. She touched the toaster, blinking. Nothing was quite coming to her mind except for the reflection of a certain obnoxious ass. She let go of the toaster, walking straight ahead to the man who immediately recoiled upon seeing her and she let him have it on the spot. He was about to argue back with her regarding her not having stayed behind for safety in which she countered by sticking Nero in his father’s arms.

“I-- what.” Vergil was at a loss for words.

“And then we see that he has suffered a cascading failure in brain cell function…” Sam wrote in their notepad. “Sounds about normal for me.”

“I suppose that means we can skip the lecture.” Sparda said.

“And you!” Vergil snapped, indignantly at Sparda. “You-- you’re not father, are you?”

“I’m terribly sorry. However, you do have a family to take care of.”

“I… do, yes. But… Mundus is still out there.”

Sparda thought about that for a moment before taking one deep sigh. “Be right back.” Sam glanced after with a, “Oh god, not again” upon realizing Sparda took the fork with him. The next thing anyone knew was that at some point or another, Sparda had managed to open a backdoor into Hell and was giving Mundus a piece of his mind for what seemed to be like the third time this week. The next following scenes could be described as eye opening in how the fork technique was employed in changing Mundus’ mind in regards to going after the Sparda bloodline.

Sparda returned shortly, with Nevan clinging to him. “I seem to have found my ex-girlfriend too.”

“Sparda!” She cried. “Take me with you!”

“I’m married, no.”

“How about one of the boys?”

“Hell, no.” Vergil responded, clearly offended at the idea. “I’ve got a wife with a shotgun.”

Nevan pouted. “I also double as an awesome guitar too!”

Sam rolled their eyes but not before Dante immediately popped up, suddenly interested. “I could use a guitar!” Lady was still hanging off of his back, still annoyed. Some day, she was going to get her blasted rocket launcher back! One way or another…

“Riiiight, let’s go.” Sparda stuck the fork back in the toaster. “I’ve had quite enough of this tower.”

“Bye…?” Sam called out as they vanished.

\--

Once again, they were now back in Fortuna. This time, they were outside of a house with an open garage door, a giant yellow van parked inside with a blue “Devil May Cry” attached to the side. Sam would be cursing their poor luck to have landed in Fortuna again but not before Sparda found the whole scenery interesting and a bit curious.

“There’s no statue of me. I wonder what that’s about…”

An older Nero popped out of the garage, staring at the duo and sighed. “Not again…”


	6. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place around Fortuna's Fool Chapter 8, post DMC5-verse

Sam and Sparda were comfortably sitting on the couch in the living room, sipping tea. Another Sam was sitting across from them, staring at the demon cheese wheel and muttering to themselves that they didn’t know such a thing could ever have existed in real life. Nero was sitting in the recliner, pinching the bridge of his nose. It wasn’t too long ago, he met the ghost of his grandfather and now he was dealing with a solid version.

“I’m glad to see that you and Kyrie got married!” Sparda beamed. “Say, where is Credo? I would’ve thought he’d be around…?”

“Um, about that.” Nero glanced around, making sure she was out of earshot. “He passed away a few years ago… that day.”

Sparda froze mid-sip and put down his cup. “That is regretful. He was such a thoughtful man. Only looking out for his family. What happened?”

“Sanctus happened.”

“That bastard! I should’ve kicked his corpse harder!” Sam grumbled.

“...Yeah, you really should have.” Sam the Retired sighed, poking Brie. Brie was a little alarmed by the new(?) Sam but sat on their lap comfortably. Sam was Sam, no matter what world it was. “I always wanted to kick him though… I wonder how that felt.”

“Highly satisfying.”

“I’m sorry. What has happened since then?” Sparda folded his hands. “It wasn’t too long ago that you were ahem, dispatched to chase after your uncle.”

“Yeah, he entrusted me with my own version of Devil May Cry business. Then I um, got my arm torn off and lost Yamato with it.”

“Wait, when did you get Yamato?!”

“Angus had it…”

Sparda made Nero go back over the missing details in which the Bug Dad made several facial journeys consisting of “Should have stayed longer to fix things” and “Should have sucker punched Angus on sight”. Finally, Nero was able to catch both Sparda and Sam the Researcher up on current events. The two just sat silent for what seemed to be fifteen minutes before Sparda cleared his throat.

“YOUR FATHER TORE YOUR ARM OFF?!” Sparda turned to Sam who was clutching the toaster, trying to keep it away. “Sam, give me that. I must time travel to correct this problem.”

“Um...I regrew my arm.” Nero coughed, waving his very human arm. “I’m fine? Ignoring the potential need for therapy just to deal with that…”

“But… he shouldn’t have done that!”

“Look. At the time, he didn’t even know he was a dad. Not like that excuses anything and my mom’s still giving him sh-- crap for it to this day.”

“Oh?” Sparda calmed down. “I suppose if there’s anyone who can easily murder your father, it’s your mother.”

“You talk as if you’ve met her before.”

Sam the Researcher shrugged. “Several versions, actually. And besides, the toaster isn’t even programmed to go to any specific worlds, much less an exact point in time!”

“Oh. Damn.”

Nero shook his head as Kyrie came in the room carrying a sandwich tray. “Hey, whoa. I thought I told you I’d get the tray.”

“Nonsense. I’m pregnant, not an invalid.” She set the tray down, yelping as Nero pulled her into his lap. “Really!”

“Oh? When’s the due date?” Sparda asked.

“We think around Valentine’s Day.” Kyrie said, giggling. “Couldn’t be more perfect.”

Both Sams groaned. Sparda curiously inquired after names and the young couple admitted that they were still tossing some ideas back and forth but didn’t have anything concrete in mind yet. The house phone rang and Nero told Kyrie that he would deal with it, gently switching places with her so she was sitting comfortably in the recliner.

Everyone was sitting quietly, barely listening to Nero’s conversation. “Hello? Oh, Mom. What’s up?”

“Your stupid hot father knocked me up.”

Nero sighed loudly, pressing his head against the wall, banging it. “Mom, please!”

Sparda finally spoke up. “I suppose it’s a good thing there’s babies everywhere now.”

“Good for who?” Nico said, walking into the living room, wiping her hands clean. Both Sams had completely froze in her presence. “Holy shit, there’s two of them.”

“And you are?” Sparda asked. “I don’t believe we’ve ever met.”

“Yes, you have. That’s Nicoletta Goldstein.” Sam the Researcher whispered a little too loudly. “Nell Goldstein’s granddaughter!”

What the hell was it with Sparda and randomly forgetting people? Was Bug Dad randomly that bad with names?

“Oh. Well, I suppose, but at the time, you were so little.”

“Buh?”

Sam the Retired exhaled. “Different world. Long story. Crazy science that could possibly not be legal or ethical by strict definitions at all.”

“I keep telling Sparda this! But does he listen? NOOOOO.” The other Sam wailed.

Sparda sighed, returning his attention to Nico. “Regardless. It is nice to meet you. I am Sparda from another world. No, I don’t know why both Sams are scared of you.”

“Oh, it’s ‘cause my father’s Angus.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I!” Nico laughed. “Thanks, though. He wasn’t around much, so no big loss. Who are you anyway? Related to the guys? Hang on a second, didn’t Sam just call you Sparda?”

“Yes.”

“Holy shit. You look awfully normal. I was expecting something scary.”

Everyone stared at Nico before Sam the Researcher loudly pointed out that Sparda was about the furthest from being scary unless given a fork and a Mundus to dispatch. Sam was pretty sure they were going to have nightmares once they returned home to their nice, safe, and warm sleeping bag. Nico raised an eyebrow and laughed at Sam. Sparda sighed, briefly changing into his Bug Dad guise to no one’s surprise.

“Huh. You look like a giant cockroach to me.”

“R-r-really?” Sparda said, surprised. “I thought I was rather majestic and awe-inspiring.”

“After a fashion.” Sam the Retired muttered under their breath.

“No, definitely awe-inspiring!” Kyrie pointed out. “Ooh, scary.”

Nico side-eyed Kyrie, shaking her head. Nero returned to the room and blinked at the giant Bug Dad sitting on the couch in his Devil form. He rose a hand, as if he was going to say something but between the bombshell from his mother who was clearly stressed out about her pregnancy, a second phone call from his father who sounded confused about an arrangement of white sticks spelled out “U DAD” on the bathroom counter, and now a giant cockroach on the couch. Nero was seriously considering stealing one of Sam's flasks to see if the alcohol would hopefully knock him out and give him amnesia so he could reset today.

Instead, Nero took a deep breath. “May I ask why?”

“Oh, Nico didn’t think I looked scary.”

No, not really. Not with all the shit Nero’s seen over the years. Kyrie grabbed his hand and gave it a tight squeeze. He immediately relaxed and sighed softly. “She says a lot.”

“Ah, okay! I think I’ll change back then.” Sparda immediately reverted to his human skin. “How was the phone call?”

“I had two of them and I really regret taking both.”

“Oh, from your parents?” Kyrie asked. “I think it’s nice that they call you for advice!”

“Eesh.”

Sparda took a sandwich, devouring it. He blinked. They tasted like Eva’s after a fashion. Each piece was carefully made with love and assembled to the ultimate perfection. Even if she was no longer alive in this world, the fact that Nero managed to find someone who carried on the perfect ideal was enough. That was why he fought for humans, that they were truly capable of such loving and devotion if given the chance. Mundus could never see what Sparda saw.

“Um. May I suggest Eva’s name as a consideration for you two?”

“Really? Is that okay with you?”

“Of course, I think she would be honored. I know I am.” Sparda said, looking at a piece of sandwich in his hand. “I cannot think of a better name to suggest.”

“Thank you so much!” Kyrie exclaimed. “I love it! Hey, Nero. Want to see if that will make your other relatives cry?”

“You’re scary, Kyrie.” He sighed at his wife.

\--

Later that day after a giant family dinner with everyone invited in spite of considerable confusion from the twins when they showed up, loudly demanding for explanations when they saw Sparda. Everything was settled down once Sam went into their long winded explanation of alternative worlds and toasters. Dante wanted to know if he could send a slice of pizza to another world and on that note, Sam shoved the toaster in their coat, offended. Never a dull moment, no matter what world the duo happened to find themselves in.

All Sparda could think about how this world felt okay as if people were already finding their way back and slowly repairing rifts. His wisdom wasn’t needed here… nor was the need to dispatch yet another Mundus once Vergil filled him on that particular detail. (He still got a lecture about ripping Nero’s arm off!) Carina told Sam that they’ll probably find their way home in no time at all.

Sparda did remind Dante to hurry up, echoing the faint ghost Sparda’s previous message. Dante groaned, he was never going to live that down. Well then, he was going to have to make good on his word. As long as Lady was willing… to not shoot him in the head for taking too long. (Trish might though, considering how much work she put in getting the two idiots back together because their semi moping was driving her nuts.)

As the day slowly turned to night, the two were sitting outside in the front yard. Sparda was watching the stars dance across the night sky. “I think I’m done with the toaster after this.”

“That’ll be news to me, Sparda. Carina did seem to think that we were going home.”

“Then, let’s throw the fork.”

With the fork toggled just right, the two disappeared into thin air. Their journeys throughout the various worlds had felt like a long distant dream when they finally landed in front of the familiar house. However, they both had failed to take into account that the toaster was sparkling in a rather ominous fashion as if something was going to happen… soon.


	7. Universe Collides!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As expected, the toaster explodes. What happens next is unsurprising.

“Ah! Home at last!” Sam stretched their arms before they dove into their tent to check to see anything was still there as they remembered.

Sparda sighed in relief, glad to have put this behind him. Dealing with Mundus in various worlds was getting a little tiring for his tastes. Of course, there was a certain amount of satisfaction involved if only to avenge his counterparts. It was considerably distressing to think that his one choice to spare Mundus with his act of rebellion, cleaving the threads linking the two words apart. Just that one choice to let the Devil who he had once considered a brother to live which would result in his wife’s death in other worlds.

Sobering thought. Perhaps, the toaster should be disassembled as soon as possible and left alone. He had seen enough.

Sam returned to Sparda’s side. “I’m happy to confirm that we’re really home for good!” Even Brie loudly agreed with Sam.

“Everyone! Dinner’s rea--”

The minute Eva started announcing, the toaster exploded in Sparda’s hands. Sam coughed up a cloud of soot, wiping their face. Sparda got the brunt of the explosion, his hair having somehow transformed into the baroque period. Then there was a glowing light eclipsing the sun for a moment in which just about everyone fell out of a giant portal.

“Oh shit.” Sam said.

“I think I’m going to have to cook more…” Eva sighed. “I’ll call for help.”

“SPARDA!”

Things got a little out of hand once everyone arrived on the scene and were immediately confused by their counterparts. On the other hand, all the Dantes started breaking out into a line dance (except for Budget Dante because he’s no fun) as Sam slowly rubbed their face with the understanding that there was just not enough alcohol in all of the worlds to cope with. Sparda looked at the charred remains of the toaster in his hands and … gently disposed of it in the trash can.

“I’m not sure how to fix this.”

“I would think we would need some form of divine intervention… assuming that exists.” Sam sighed.

“That’s kind of terrifying.” Teen Nero showed up next to Sam with his siblings in tow. “I didn’t know there were this many versions of dad-- what the hell is that tree?”

“I dunno, but he probably knows what power is!” Riza dashed off.

“HEY, COME ON THE HELL NOW.” Teen Nero shouted after. “Don’t do such reckless things!”

“I think she’ll be fine.” Victor said.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because they’re now drinking tea over there.”

“THAT QUICKLY?!”

True to Victor’s word, Urizen and Riza were somehow sitting at a small table, drinking tea and god knows what the hell they were discussing. Teen Nero’s teeth were itching especially hard, though he shouldn’t have been surprised considering there was a much older version of him looking awfully pale. They both stared at each other for a moment before pointing at each other like that one 60’s Spider-Man meme. Victor looked back and forth between the two.

“...I guess you’ll look like that when you get older, big brother.”

“Huuuuh?” The Older Nero said, looking down to Victor. He had an odd feeling that Victor looked like a miniature version of V. Wait a second…

Then Griffon spat a fish at Older Nero who caught it and threw it back at the bird with an angry “YOU!” Teen Nero at least understood that there wasn’t that much of a difference between them. Victor poked Griffon and gently scolded the bird.

“Who’s this kid? And what the-- I thought Griffon was a small bird.”

“Hey, pimple!”

Both Neros stared straight ahead at the small Griffon resting on top of a Vergil’s head. Vergil was ignoring the bird, as usual. The medium sized Griffon puffed up his chest at the smaller one. However, the original Griffon refused to be outdone and landed with a healthy thump next to everyone else.

“What the--” Both Nero’s shouted from the heavy impact.

Incidentally, where Griffon was, Shadows were sure to follow as Dantes’ line dancing was interrupted by a group of spiking Shadows. A rose flew through the air to block a spike, dazing one of the giant cats. A nearby Sam the Teacher was spraying Phantom with holy water, ordering the spider to stand down. At least there weren’t any more demons in the area-- except for a giant slime looking thing in which Sparda actually had to scoop up into a giant pitcher. Where he got a giant pitcher from, no one knew.

“That floating eyeball is unsettling, Sparda.” Sam the Researcher said while watching the eyeball float in a sea of murky blackness.

“Strange, Nightmare is usually more composed than that.” A tall man who was dressed up as a questionable goth remarked.

“Who the hell are you?”

“...V.”

Sam the Researcher just stood there for a whole five minutes before wondering what kind of moron would only give their name out as a letter. Wait, didn’t they see them with a group of Vergils earlier? There was a shout which Sam could only assume came from a Carina who more or less had blasted at him for being a bloody fool and that no one smart would ever fall for such a dumb nickname.

“Okay.” Sparda said and went off to try his best to contain the chaos and already failing in the attempt.

Sam the Researcher slapped their face loudly, trying not to pay attention to the fact that there was a wandering man in a business suit with a face wrapped like a mummy’s. No one seemed to want to acknowledge his existence at all because Gilver technically was written out of the canon. The Researcher then went over to a group which seemed to puzzle them. It was a group within a group.

Both Nero’s showed up with Sam the Researcher and they were suddenly buried in women who were exclaiming over their babies and needing to pinch Nero’s adorable cheeks. A third Nero (presumably from DMC4) looked at Sam. “Why are there different versions of my mom?”

“It’s as if Capcom never decided on what she looked like.”

And then the fourth wall fell over with the author attached to it, yelping in surprise. The wall shattered into pieces leaving the author busy picking the shards out of her hair. She glared at Sam the Researcher. “You have no idea how right you are.”

“...I broke the fourth wall? I broke the fourth wall! Sparda’s influence has corrupted me!” Sam wailed into their hands. This was too much for them to take so they called out for Brie and was greeted by two demon cheese wheels who carried flasks on their backs. “Really? Just two?”

Elsewhere, the Griffons were puffing their chests out at each other, doing an impressive display of intimidation at each other. Vergil eventually ditched the smallest one if only because it was getting annoying for him to deal with the bird brain. They were both squawking loudly at each other, proclaiming that they were the real thing and the best at being Griffon. Three roses sailed through the air, knocking the birds out.

“Nailed it!” Dante (DMC4) sang. “Thank you, I’m here all night!”

Credo was floored at the flurry of chaos that was going on with Sparda helplessly trying to maintain order while various Sams were busy getting drunk to mostly cope. He barely noticed a tap on his shoulder until a gentle voice said, “Brother…? Is it you?”

He turned around, surprised. When did Kyrie get much older-- and pregnant? There were tears in her eyes as she whispered her brother’s name. It was like she couldn’t believe it-- that he was back in her perspective. She asked to have a hug if it wasn’t too much trouble. He was more than glad to obligate as seeing how Kyrie was always his little sister regardless of her age.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes… I just needed this.”

“Did something terrible happen to me?”

She nodded, trying to not cry again. “I’m sorry, it’s the hormones. Nero and I are having a baby.”

There were times when Kyrie missed her big brother so much that trying to write letters only eased a little bit of her ache. How she would read the letter quietly every chance she got at a gravestone they picked out for him even though there wasn’t a body to bury after what happened. But this felt a little more real than reading the letters out loud to nothingness. If it wasn’t for this chaos, she would never have had this chance.

Older Nero barely got away from the group of Nero’s Moms, surprised to see his wife hugging a version of her brother. He knew how much she needed the moment and went over to her side, pulling her hand into his.

“Thank you for looking after her, Nero.”

Speaking of which; the group of Nero’s Moms, the smaller group within was the various versions of Carina’s were comparing notes on a certain moron in a cravat. So far they were finding a lot of things in common and poor Kat who had no idea why she was even in the group to start with. She was also getting a serious lecture about how to whip her moron in shape and make him grovel at her feet.

“Very informative… thanks?”

“Sometimes, you just have to show him that you won’t back down.” a Carina said. “But knowing when to choose your battle is important.”

“Shotgun important.” Hackerman Vergil suddenly looked very nervous overhearing the conversation. “Um, don’t use it on him. Save the shotgun for clowns.”

“I’m pretty sure I set one on fire… at least that’s what everyone tells me. But I don’t remember it!” Aikaterine exclaimed. “I don’t even know how to set things on fire in the first place!”

Now it was Kat’s turn to point out. “You mean, you guys don’t use magic? I mean, I’m a witch.”

That left them all quiet and seriously contemplative. That could have explained things for some but for the rest, it was just something that never occured to them. Heck, one Carina from an entirely different universe wondered if that was why she was wearing a black silk choker with a polished stone made out of petricite, a material meant to suppress magic.

“D-d-do dreams count?” The oldest version of Carina asked. “Because for a very long time, I’ve had strange dreams…”

“They do.”

“Well, shit.” Both oldest Carina and Aikaterine said at the same time.

Sam the Angel sighed, sitting in the middle of a neatly stacked circle of drunk Sams lying flat on their backs. It would be nice if they could consume alcohol but there wasn’t a drop left for them. Both Bries didn’t know what to make of Sam the Angel so they were curiously chittering away at Sam the Angel who petted both cheese wheels.

“Shouldn’t we at least try to put the worlds back together?” Sam the Angel called out to Sparda who at this point, had lost his patience and yeeting *all* of the Munduses into the orbit for terrifying Vergils.

“Er, yes, I don’t have the ability to do that anymore. The toaster blew up.”

“Oh, oh, dear.”

“Maybe try the author over there?”

The author stared back at Sam the Angel and Sparda. “I’m in the middle of having a life crisis here because I was a Dante fan and I somehow fell for a moron with a cravat by the way of a hot goth man. So I’m a little bit useless here.”

“Erm.” Sparda repeated.

“That sounds suspiciously specific, but okay.” Sam the Angel said. “What about Yamato?”

“No.” Vergil stated flatly. “I don’t think using all the versions of Yamato is going to address this problem.”

“Maybe if I constructed another toaster… or goodness! The fork *is* a Devil’s arm!”

Vergil stared at his father oddly, about to say something but pinched the bridge of his nose and made a strangled noise. Sam the Angel was speechless for all the Dantes were now playing poker, using Lady’s weapons as betting pieces. Not too long afterwards, there were several series of explosions. Sparda pointedly ignored the explosions and tried to carve the air with the fork.

Nothing happened.

A Brie spat out a toast in front of Sparda, rendering everyone speechless. The Bug Dad picked up the toast and stuck the fork in it. Then everything went back to normal, all the extra people returned to their home worlds. The Brie who had spat out the toast, waved one of her little legs and disappeared along with the unconscious Sam the Teacher.

“Aww! Grandpa! I had a very insightful conversation with one of my dads about how to take over the world!” Riza complained.

“You’re grounded.” Carina responded, eyeing her daughter who flinched with a quiet, “Yes, mom.”

Dante was looking a little exploded, laughing nervously. Turned out it was that version of Dante’s idea for explosive poker. Lady snorted, irritated at her husband. “And I didn’t even get to test out my new grenade because of that…”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

“Only because one of the big cats spiked it.”

“Blame Vergil, he’s always got a million of them around.”

“I already do.” Everyone looked at the author who was still there despite the fork in the toast. “Oh, right. Time to scram.” The author hastily scrambled to who knows where, dragging the tattered pieces of the fourth wall with her which clicked neatly in place.

“Dinner time-- ...the extra company’s gone.” Eva sighed. “I suppose that means there’ll be quite a bit of leftovers.”

“That is never a problem, my dear.” Sparda grabbed Eva’s hand, kissing it. “Your cooking is out of this world.”


End file.
